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[24 Jun 2007|07:14pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Kelly Clarkson - Be Still ] Just been to sort things out with v. Apologised, we both agreed we were both drunk and stupid on friday (me a little more so!) but he said just chill, it doesn't matter. He's ill so I didn't stay long but we're cool with each other and now we won't see each other til next year so it's fine. Sucks to say goodbye. I'm really sad now. It really is the end of it now. I hate saying goodbye to him. But now at least I can get over him I guess. babble

New start! [08 May 2007|09:16pm] [ mood | hopeful ] After everything, it's ok to start anew. You can have limitless fresh starts if you can. Your past will not be erased, you cannot change it. But you can change your future and use the past to learn. Confidence made you go out there and just enjoy yourself and feeling confident you've had some of the best times of your life. Regain that confidence because confidence makes you beautiful. Don't be so harsh on yourself. Remember, no one is perfect, even if they seem it. EVERYONE has flaws, you just concentrate on yours so much you don't see other people's. Remember the times people have confided in you. They weren't lying. They really do have those insecurities. Everyone does. Some people just hide them better. You are your own worst critic - most people see you in a much better light than you see yourself, just remember the nice things people have told you. They meant them. People are not always judging you, and even if they are, does it really matter? You can be who you want, do what you want, you don't need other people's approval for everything. Random strangers you will never see again - does it matter if you look foolish for a moment or make a mistake? Everyone makes mistakes. Learn from them, don't punish yourself! Everytime you feel down, or unconfident, or scared, read this and most of all... Remember who you are. Don't let anyone take it away. Be who you want to be, don't let disappointments make you become someone you are not happy with. Love yourself. Believe in yourself and others will too. Because you are amazing. babble

[02 Dec 2006|01:12pm] [ music | Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas ] Complete honesty coming here. And probably should be censored for the amount of sexual content but that's been a big part of things recently. Uni life! Anywho it's stuff I hate to admit but....Oh fuck. My head is now messed up over this guy....The one I pulled a couple of weeks back I slept with last week and again last night. And omg it was amazing. Last night was literally my perfect night. We went out for a couple of drinks late on but it was a lil awkward, still fun though. And so I ended back at his, chatting with his flatmates and stuff and then we headed to bed. And it was just like exactly what I want from a guy. And then inbetween we kinda talked and stuff. So brutally honestly about everything. Sex, relationships, family, friends....And then he actually brought up the whole "What's going on with us then?" And cos we've both said we're not exactly relationshippy people, we agreed to just have fun and sleep with each other. But now I can't get him off my mind. And I dunno, I guess it's like I would like a relationship actually, but then maybe cos of the fact we agreed we wouldn't that's why it's so great - no inhibitions, complete honesty. Maybe in a relationship that would be ruined. But I dunno....I just grrrr......I dunno, I wouldn't want it now anyway cos it's end of term and we won't see each other but meh just if things carry on next term I'm sure I'll get in too deep and he'll end up liking someone else cos it's so my typical pattern. But hey I guess for now we've got the great sex and the fun stuff with none of the difficult stuff for now. I think I just hope that, cos of the conversation last night, more than just sex isn't off the table...but I'm probably just dreaming! And as for fwb, what a fucking jackass. Never thought I'd end up really disliking the guy but yea he's a complete idiot and the thought thatI actually ever liked him is a joke. The guy ignores me, I get pissed off, he says he's not ignoring me he just shy cos he likes me and so we "make up"....then next week he says maybe two words to me and hits on EVERY girl around us. Fair enough I went home with ^^^ but still....then he did it again the week after so I sent him a text saying "This is stupid. Everyone has noticed us ignoring each other, let's just forget about everything that's gone on and quit it." And last Weds he said not one single word to me. And as soon as we were left alone in a room together he got up and walked out without saying anything. Jackass! Think I'm half looking forward to going home just for the pure sake of no guy drama! If there's any guys involved it's fb where it actually is just great sex and nothing else and that is more than enough over the holidays! A little break from drama would probably do me good! And can't wait to see the parents and the siblings and the friends, and go out and celebrate christmas and have some good mum cooked meals! And see my wee cat! Seeing the guys from summer work too, they're all looking forward to hearing my boy gossip hehe! Apparently my stories are great! babble

Typical.... [17 Nov 2006|11:19am] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Spice Girls - Mama ] Well life is all good! Went to a party yday and bitch from old flat was there (the worst one) but she was actually being decent. Like we never say a word to each other but she did like offer me some vodka jelly which everyone was having and stuff like that. Weird. Anywho, what's typical atm is that you never have men and then a million come along at once but unfortunately you're too blinded by the one you want who doesn't want you :/ In the last week I've had two guys try to get me into bed, one call me an amazing kisser and admitting he really fancies me, several guys call me beautiful and another admitting he tried to hit on me a while ago haha....which is all nice it's a good ego boost :D Just what I needed. So anyway, very pissed off at fwb and if he hits on me again I am gonna have a raging hissy fit at him. Which will piss him off and quite possibly ruin what's left of our friendship but hey. I just hate the fact that I didn't sleep with this guy I fancy as well cos I really like him. It's stupid. But I've decided all I can do is just completely let go of that one. To be fair, and believe me I'm not bein up myself, but I don't deserve to be treated that shit. babble

[31 Oct 2006|01:23am] [ music | Madonna - You'll See ] You know, things are really different from a guys point of view! Went to get a bit tipsy with the guys tonight. Was good fun, and an old friend who's been away for a while came to visit! We had a few beers, played a drinkin game lol (typical students!) and then walked home with my mate. And we had a wee chat about stuff, including friends with benefits. Apparently, I'm not the only one pissed off with him. Like T said A and A were pissed with him cos "He was ignoring me" which I know can't be the truth. That's the reason *I'M* pissed with him lol....but he was like yeah he has been annoying the crap outta people. That along with what he's been treatin me like, there's no way the guys can get angry with me for being pissed with him. I KNOW there will be a huge argument between us at some point. Either that or it's never resolved. At the mo I feel good tho! Other than being pissed off it's all good lol! babble

Wooooo! [27 Nov 2005|03:01pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Closer - Dirty Vegas ] That was the BEST weekend without a doubt!!! It was amazing! I had such a good laugh!!! Have recovered from yesterday's little worry about what happened on Friday! I was worried about seeing the guy I was with but it was totally cool yesterday! We ended up at my friends friends flat and she brought back one of the NZ All Blacks players! It was surreal as fuck! Just got home like a couple of hours ago!!! SUCH good craic this weekend! babble

Omg.... [26 Nov 2005|01:34pm] [ mood | nauseated ] [ music | I'm Moving On - Rascal Flatts ] More random flashbacks of last night....these are more amusing, but quite embarrassing.... My friend told me one of the bouncers looked like Josh Hartnet so I thought it was a good idea to slur this to him in a very drunken manner.... Also think I told most people in the girls toilet that I was hammered lol! Particularly funny when I decided it was funny to introduce my two friends who have the same name :S.... Quite worried about the fact that the guy I really fancy was there and I may have said anything to him and embarrassed myself in front of him...I think I invited him out tonight :/.....Hmm.... Oh. Shit. babble

Oh shit....fuck fuck fuck.... [26 Nov 2005|12:49pm] [ mood | guilty ] More hammered last night then I have ever been in my life....I was wasted.... And I did some really, REALLY stupid things....one in particular which I am regretting quite a lot this morning....If it's what I think it is, it's ok, but I can't exactly remembet....it could be worse....Shit... I swear I am never gonna drink that much again....I really, really can't... I feel very sick this morning.... babble

Have sobered up... [23 Nov 2005|03:09pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Maybe - Liberty X ] ...And feel just as bad.... Missed all 3 lectures today, though most other people did too.... Woke up at about 12:30pm and have just pottered about since....Tidied my room....tried to do some work but the work I was gonna do can't cos my friend has my textbook and no one is around to borrow theirs! And I can't concentrate on anything else... When did my life become such a....I dunno....stupid little circle of going to lectures and going out and getting drunk...Why is everyone so obssessed with shagging one another? Why is everyone playing all these stupid games!? Why does everyone have to make every little thing so complicated? I'm kinda looking forward to christmas just so I can detox, sleep and have some innocent fun...Plus I can play piano again which I am missing like hell....it's actually becoming painful now! babble

My heart can't possibly break.... [23 Nov 2005|03:53am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Behind These Hazel Eyes (Live @ VH1) - Kelly Clarkson ] ....When it wasn't even whole to start with.... Back to the same old fucking depression thing going on....Went out tonight for my mates birthday. Got pretty damn drunk as per usual....All of my friends had guys hitting on them, except for ugly old me of course....I'm getting fat now.....since I've been at uni put on at least 3 and 1/2 pounds... Anyway, towards the end of the night, after feeling v. depressed and almost crying in the toilets for 5 mins, went back to the bar, and met some random guy who tried to fucking finger me in the middle of the bar....I mean geez for fucks sake! Then me friend took me coat home so had to stand in the cold for a few minutes....Doesn't sound like much but considering it's Edinburgh and I was wearing a strappy top and a skirt..... So the whole night was shit....my friends all pulled guys..... My self esteeem could not be lower..... So came back here and tried to make myself vomit....a lot....actually stuck my fingers the whole way down my throat so much so that I was retching so badly but still wouldn't vomit...And I didn't do it cos I'm drunk....nope....did it cos I have no self esteem, have put on fucking pounds since I got to uni, am worried that I now weigh 9st and need some control over something.... Not going to lectures tomorrow....am gonna fail everything, not sure what the fuck I wanna do in life and am so fucking unattractive....Plus btw I'm an alcoholic. I mean I'm sitting here, 4am, completely hammered and am still tempted to dirnk my bottle of vodka cos I am so fucking depressed....This is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. No exagerration....And I've actually tried slitting my wrists before, so bear that in mind...... I'll probably delete this tomorrow when I realise what I've said but still.... Am now going to goo to bed, planing not to come out of my room tomorrow for more than 10mins, listening to the most depressing music I can think of, whilst crying myself to sleep :) 1 babbler __ babble

Ah bugger it.... [17 Nov 2005|01:47pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] Stupid vodka. Stupid doubles. Stupid Frano....damn I did not want to do that..... babble

..... [14 Nov 2005|04:51am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Closer - Dirty Vegas ] I'm not feeling happy right now.....went out tonight but I wasn't really in the mood.... Firstly, had open mic night and it was fucking awesome!! Everyone was really nice and said I had a beautiful voice hehe..... Saw the guy I (apparently) kissed the other night! He seemed alright with me, cos I was worried he might think I was like...I dunno.... Anyway, we went to Lava and I said I weren't gonna drink....had a few, then got bought some champagne and then my drunken friend wouldn't stop buying me vodkas lol...Still I didn't get that drunk....I was tipsy for about 30mins.....which is when I snogged yet another guy I didn't even say a word to.....I really gotta stop doing that....At least I might remember it tomorrow tho.... But my friend was absolutely trashed. So she was being sick in the toilets and all and me being sober couldn't cope with it too much so I felt even more down....And I dunno...... I really wish I didn't like these guys....I like two of them a lot....the one with the gf so obviously that's stupid....plus he's way out of my league anyway....and the one I kissed....who I dunno...it's confusing lol....half the time we're like flirting and shit and the next we're hardly even talking.... Anywho, I'm gonna go snuggle up in my bed....am skipping yet another lecture tomorrow morning..... babble

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!! [12 Nov 2005|04:43pm] [ mood | and regretful! ] [ music | Eve, The Apple Of My Eye - BellX1 ] My friend, me and vodka is NOT a good combination! We are both such a bad influence on each other! Last night, Friday night, started very civilised, four of us met in town and went to a trendy bar for a meal, me and my friend had a drink also. Then we went back to halls and decided we were gonna start drinking at 8pm....So we have a drink after Eastenders, go and get ready to go out then 6 of us girlies piled in to her room and started on the vodka....2 full bottles of vodka were empty by the time we left at 12 to go to the union! Anywho....it was all good, we were having fun, me and my friend were already rather drunk....she decided again it would be a good plan to fill a bottle with vodka and cherryade and we drank that on the way to the union....yes a 5 min walk and we still had drink with us! Then I got my free drink in the union....Then I decided it was still a good plan to keep drinking!? Anyway, we went through to the clubby bit and time flew by, I'm sure I made an ass of myself...Went to the toilets and ended up sitting on the floor with a girl from my halls for a couple of mins! Then went back and decided it was a good idea to throw myself at my friend and snog him....apparently...I vaguely remember throwing myself at him, not so much the kissing him....Anyway, I couldn't even walk back to halls, I was having a lot of difficulty, thankfully it was just me, my drunk friend and our other friend by then....And we thought it was a good idea to give me a piggy back...hmmm....anyway..... Came back here, walked in the kitchen and everyone was quite sober...and laughing at me lol so I decided to go to bed....walked in my room...collapsed on my floor and was gonna sleep there....probably would've had I not felt ill....went to the toilet and sat there for a wee bit...was a wee bit ill....then went to bed with Scrubs on the tv! Anywho....my friend and me have just been laughing about it all day now....She can hardly remember anything after leaving halls and I only remember vague bits....I'm really quite worried about seeing people! A couple of my friends didn't think I was that drunk (where the hell were they lol!) and other ones did....but I ain't seen the rest of them and I'm not looking forward to it...... Oh and yeah before I went to bed I decided it was a good idea to text some people....including a nice apologetic text to the above guy^^^^^....something along the lines of sorry for whatever the hell I did tonight, sorry if I embarrased you xx.....Ah crap. Phones need a breathaliser to stop you texting or phoning when you're that drunk!!! Seriously, not doing that again! Less vodka next time!!! babble

Aaah crappy doodles... [10 Nov 2005|11:38am] Cried myself to sleep last night...that can't be good.....drank too much, as did everyone else! Anywho, point is I was in one of those drunk yet sober moods ya know? And I felt so depressed....Hmmm.... babble

[09 Nov 2005|08:20pm] [ mood | sad ] Life has been good for a while! Usual shit, though have done a bit more work and a little less drinking! But still a lot... I got rather drunk on Sunday and kissed two guys, one which was random and for no reason I was just that hammered. I've gotta stop doing that! Waaay too drunk... Hmm I fancy a couple of guys...haven't seen them for a while which sucks hehe! Life seems too perfect at the moment! It's worrying! Although I am a lil lonely tonight....not sure why....am hanging out with all the girls too much, wouldn't mind if it was the ones I like, but the one I'm not so keen on is there so it kinda sucks.... Ah well, going out tonight, must try to avoid getting SO drunk! babble

..... [29 Oct 2005|09:22pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes ] Haven't written for like a week. Things have been good! Felt really down on Thurs but feel much better now. I felt really inadequate. I know I'm not pretty so it's difficult being surrounded by these amazingly pretty girls :(... Tue was beach party, got quite drunk, spent my night talking to the guy I fancy....he's so cute! But has a gf damnit! Ah well....typical! Weds went to Sterling with the girls and got absolutely fucked on Vodka, wine and absinthe! Very, very drunk....kissed another random fella. Oopsie...Tutorials were not so fun on Thurs :D Yesterday was Halloween thing, which was pretty good, but I didn't stay all night cos I'm a bit ill! Dressed as a cat again cos had nothing else to wear hehe! Apparently my tail suited me tho ;) Halloween thing again tomorrow at Lava. Should be good! Have only had 4 drinks since weds, so am gonna probably drink quite a bit tomorrow hehe but in a good way! Early night tonight...catch up on some sleep! babble

Hmmm [17 Oct 2005|08:53pm] [ mood | confused ] I'm feeling really empty tonight.....Dunno why....just confused....What the hell do I want out of life? I mean I cannnot decide between anything!? I dunno what the hell I want.... babble

Aaaah no.... [17 Oct 2005|05:03am] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Flying High - Jem ] Damn I really fancy one of the guys...not like "aww he's hot" but like seriously, fancy him :/ Hopefully it's just a drunken thing but who knows....I liked him today before I got drunk lol...And we were flirting a lil bit but not really....Aaah crap! I don't want a serious crush, that just messes ya up! babble

I miss people! [14 Oct 2005|08:58pm] [ mood | bored ] Have come home today for the weekend and the good/bad news is that I am absolutely desperate to get back to uni! I can't wait!!!! Good cos it means I love it, bad cos I'm not there hehe... Got very VERY drunk last night...went out with two of the guys cos everyone else was lazy hehe....we went to a club with 50p vodkas and somehow I ended up having 8! Don't remember much of last night but I'm quite worried about what I might have said to the guys cos I was very drunk and we started talking about guys and who I had kissed the other night etc etc.....Was hugging one of them as we walked along....maybe cos I couldn't stand up hehe....Aww kinda fancied him....which isn't good..... Anywho, most of the nights a blur, I remember seeing the other guy I fancy and he was being mean (in a jokey way hehe) cos I was very drunk.....Then ended up with my head over the toilet, being sick and falling asleep.....classy huh? Then went to bed and got woken up at 8am by fire alarm but I was still drunk hehe! That was funny! Awww I wanna go back! I love the nights still! The work sucks but nm..... babble

Ooops..... [13 Oct 2005|06:06pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Rooney - Stay Away ] Last night rocked but was kinda stupid again! Went to City with some of the guys and the girls (Jenny etc who I like, not the bitchy girls!)! Ended up rather drunk and dancing with and kissing someone I shouldn't have lol....but I think we're cool so that's ok...it's just awkward... Hmm I need to learn self-control....but it's kinda fun! babble

Aaah crap.... [11 Oct 2005|12:53am] [ mood | and sad hehe ] Am getting used to uni life now! Loving it most of the time.... Was good and didn't have a single drink tonight or yesterday and only one on Saturday :D But crap....I have such a huge crush. And it's be fine but he has a gf and like he really likes her and all....I hate that! Why, why, why do I always like the one with a gf? It's like I have a radar for them!? Other than that things are good. Power cut today so lectures were cancelled. However, no hot water lol...But had a day out with the guys which was cool! babble

Oooooooops!!!! [07 Oct 2005|05:30pm] [ mood | embarrassed ] Geez I was sooooo hammered yesterday....like so so durnk..... My friend got me shots, one of goldsneider, one of sambuca plus aftershock and something else and my other friend got me another shot....plus the other drinks! Oh it was my birthday and we went to the James Bond theme night thing.....cute guys in suits....wahey! Danced, very sluttily :/ with the guys....particularly the ones I fancy :/......Plus the one who has a gf.... Then got off with a random guy I don't even know what he looked like so that was stupid..... Then was very very drunk anywho and went home with the guys... It's not good fancying half of my friends :/ Guess that's the trouble of hanging out with guys lol! babble

Meh. [05 Oct 2005|05:57pm] [ mood | angry ] Uni would be perfect without bichy girl next door. But no, she makes it just like being back in highschool. She completely ignores me now for no reason :S And I'm like sared of her cos I just can't get over the hell I went through in secondary school. It sucks that those people have ruined my life forever. I know I can't blame others but if that hadn't have happened, I wouldn't be so weak and would be able to deal with this. babble

I don't want to cry anymore.... [03 Oct 2005|07:27pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Thirteen Senses - Salt Wound Routine ] Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I can't stop crying. I really REALLY miss my family, especially my mum. If I just think about her I start crying! Plus I miss my cat lol....I hate it here.... Today was first day of lectures and they were alright. But the only girls I know are like shit. One girl is really really nice and I spent quite a lot of time with her. She's more mature. But the other two are your typical...."plastics" (watch mean girls)....They're 'hot', outgoing, a bit slutty...All the guys fancy them....And they sit around bitching about other people and gossiping altho the girl swears she doesn't like to gossip. The girl next door is worst. She seemed nice enough but now she's started being weird. I've seen her type before, the girls who used to bully me in school. And sure enough she's displaying the same qualities and starting to ignore me and shit....Which obviously means eventually I'm gonna end up friendless cos she has power over everyone because she's "hot". The world's a fucking beauty pagent and if you're not textbook hot you don't fit in and u sure as hell don't ever get anything. I just thought, if I came to uni, I'd leave secondary school behind. But no. It's the same damn story except that now, in the evenings when I want to havea hug from my mum or sit and watch movies with other friends or even my cat or something stupid, I can't. Going out for the tenth night in a row. Wohoo. Am developing an alcohol problem also. Sitting here, I have a few bottles of alcohol on my desk and it is taking all my strength not to just drink them cos I'm so depressed. I'm so weak it's not even funny. And whenever things get tough, I get drunk. The times I've had most fun this week were when I was drinking and dancing..... I'm such a fucking loser it's not even funny. I sure as hell can't take four years of this. Either I'll kill myself or the alcohol will.... I want college back. College was perfect. I had a group of friends who, even if they were petty at times, when they weren't were amazing! I had subjects I enjoyed, teachers I liked, I was smart, we had places to go out. Fuck. And if anyone reads this I swear I wasn't always so insane. babble

Yay! [02 Oct 2005|02:47pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Didn't get drunk hehe! Well done me :p Only had two drinks between 9pm and 4am so that's quite good! Last night was quite good, though music wasn't my kinda thing...need to be drunk to dance to that! Hmm been feeling quite low self esteemed.....But I guess I've been worrying about the fact that I'm different to the other girls....cos I'm not slutty and I don't lead guys on and whatever. But maybe that's not a bad thing...I am sweet and innocent. That's just who I am....I've gotta deal with that....sometimes it sucks but I guess at least I'm unique! My sister is probably coming to visit next weekend which is great! Plus my birthday on Thurs and we've got a Bond night thing so that should be great :D babble

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